It was the perfect way to end a season and start another one.

There he was, standing in front of me, months after the last time we saw each other. All his charm was still there, waiting for me to resume our flirtation that we always have had whenever we were together. The light body brushes, the suggestive looks, the smiles, they all told us loud and clear that we liked each other. I used to crumble at the sight of him, the mention of his name made me uneasy if he wasn't there, my breath would never cool down for a second for as long as he is next to me. The total fantasy guy, he was. He definitely was.

It was finally happening! 2 years after the first time I saw him and instantly fell for him, it was FINALLY happening!! All until I discovered what he really thinks about me. "Needs a makeover" because not gay enough. There it was, the kind of absurd judgment that I have always refused to accept being shot directly at me. Completely uncalled for. Especially at a time when my attention was on finishing my stacking piles of schoolwork during the finals than rush to to match my Cavalli jacket with whatever else high-brand name items of clothing I had. It was outrageous, but not as much as me succumbing to what he said and start looking like a model whenever I had the chance in front of him. Well, it sure changed his view about me, it was a good 2 days before he changed his attention to his other friend and started dating him, his friend who have always thought that HE was too gay for him. The irony.

On that day, he came and he was expecting me to fall for him again. Heck, I expected my sadistic self to fall for him again. But I didn't. It was all over. For once, I have had enough, yet, I felt wanted. Not by him, even though, oh boy, he was waiting for it, I felt wanted by me. I might have not been that secure about myself that day, but as the morning came, I knew I was right at home. Even the universe celebrated it with me! The next few days were the best weather I have seen in a few years.

It's pure magic when you love yourself and mean it.

This was going to originally be put in my university's student magazine. I figure it would be more appropriate to be posted here instead.
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A Matter of Growth

2 years. 730 days, then it will all be over with. Yup, college will be done with, you would get your bachelor, and you'll be off with your well-deserved white coat as another success story. If I was a first year med student, I would be over the wall happy. But I am a 5^th year student now, and I couldn't have been less impressed. I hope I am not the only one who feels this way, but I will talk and assume I am not the only one; otherwise this wouldn't go to print. So there, I'll say it out loud. This college has been something of a burden to me. No, the burden of studying hours upon hours, but the kind that makes you think back and wonder "is it worth it?" kind of a burden, the kind that would have "Fallen" by Sarah McLachlan play in the background as the perfect soundtrack to that moment in your life.

When I first joined the reign of medicine in Kuwait University, I had a great backbone of friends and family with me. All I was missing is a degree and voila, the supposed picture-perfect person, as they would say. Well, 5 years later, "they" are wrong. This whole thing was realized when one of my once-close friends announced his intentions to get married. I was caught by surprise when I realized that for once, I didn't snicker, in fact, I was genuinely happy for him that he reached that stage in his life. That takes a lot of personal growth. As for me, instead of college being a road junction in personal growth, its asphalt road feels like a dry quicksand that is pulling downward than help us walk forward. I might be singing the old blues of being "knocked down, but when I get up again, you're not gonna keep me down", but I sure hope I mean those words coming out of my mouth.

This college has been great in creating many great graduates who know what they are supposed to do professionally. But I am having doubt in the system when it comes to giving them space for the much-needed personal growth. Instead of the nonstop lectures, it would be nice if we have a some sort of a "reality check", something that would show us the big picture that regardless of all, we are in fact social humans and that the sever of these connections would mean the sever of our existence as such humans, despite the temptations to do so.

A very small group of us have kept it all together somehow, and whoever you are, I gotta hand it to you, you got it really going. As for the state I am in, after a second thought, I really hope I am the only one who feels this way. I wouldn't wish this to my worst enemy.

So today I went out with one of my friends, let's call him Vicky. Vicky, mind you, is the biggest slut in the country, which automatically makes him fun for the same reason. Like always, the talk was about his latest GHB enhanced adventure over a cup of coffee. All of the sudden, he said that he is planning on getting married. From bung-hole to pussy, THAT fast?

His reasoning is that in Kuwait, gay relationships do not last (true), and that by the time he is 30 no one will find him attractive (true, but I say 28), and so he doesn't want to end up alone (he might die the first time someone rejects him, so maybe he'll be alone for a very short time). What the hell is wrong with being alone, my reply is, and suddenly he has the reaction of a rodent.

He talked about being 40, unattractive, no one will look at him sexually, no one will appreciate him, his life being a living hell at that time...blah blah blah. It can't be that bad.

So far, being old has been the most elating experiences ever for me. The good, the bad, the worse, and the utter shit. All keep on getting better and better. Do we just give up hope on what is coming next that we settle for the worse, heck, even the intolerable, just to avoid the "search" or do we really long for the traditional "family" after all? I really don't know what to say. I am still in shock. Call me an overdramatic queen if you want, I just really am shocked.

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